Diary of a Broken Hearted Girl: Week 2

After penning my break up experience I felt a bit of weight lifted off me but it was a long, bumpy road to healing.

I decided not to send my ex boyfriend that long, detailed message about why I chose to end the relationship with him. Since I knew he was twisted and too egoistic I didn’t want him to have anything that he could use against me somehow. I just moved on with life, taking things one day at a time. I don’t recall a day in 2016 where I didn’t wake up staining my pillowcase with tears and not feeling down, no matter the efforts my friends made to cheer me up. A big part of me still loved that guy, but really there was nothing worth going back to. I am not even exaggerating; I don’t have one beautiful memory of him. There were no dates, sweet texts and long phone calls, or intimate moments. All I remember was how drained I always felt when I was around him.

I chose to distance myself from our circle of friends. And I didn’t see him for months on end. Those times where quite bearable because I forced myself to focus on other things that fulfilled me, like my career. I couldn’t relate with men, even my closest friends. Instead I took out my anger on them. And pushed them away. To be honest I don’t think I would have survived that experience without them because they showed me that one thing I just yearned from Mr wrong: they cared. They really fought this part of my battle that I didn’t have the energy to fight. It’s funny to think how much he didn’t make any effort to make things work and moved on with his life like nothing happened. I just wonder how heartless some people can be, how they devalue the meaning of love for their selfish agendas. The thought baffled me, and it still does. Earlier this year I decided to be on speaking terms with him again. So I could be a bigger person. I am not sure if I made a mistake because talking to him leaves me feeling upset. Flashbacks come to my head when he is closer. It’s really painful dating someone who is not meant for you and doesn’t love you at all. But it’s even worse losing yourself in the whole process. I am glad that I managed to put myself first and leave because I knew things were not going to end well for me. More than a year later I still don’t have the courage to open my heart to someone. I guess I would like to fall in love with a great guy one day, but to be honest, fear has crippled me to the core…