Diary of a Broken Hearted Girl

It can take months, and even years to heal from a broken heart. As I have been journeying towards healing I wanted to share with you how it all began.

The date is 20 February 2016. I have mapped the pillowcase from the tears that stung my eyes the previous night. After months of hurt and verbal abuse, I decided to end things with my ex-boyfriend. I decided to write him a Whatsapp message. Just a summary of the crappy things I endured during the so-called relationship. It read:

“Dear you

They say praying, talking and even writing helps. It has taken me so much time to forgive the past that associates me with you. I realised that there were two things that made me love you even though you did everything in your power to break me. Firstly, I was in love with the past. Yes, a few years ago I heard whispers from my friends that you liked me. I was flattered but I didn’t entertain it because I had my good for nothing ex to deal with. Secondly, even though reason kicked in that we had no future the heart and your dear friend planted lies in my head, that you had feelings for me. Your dear friend was the voice I desperately wanted to hear; he kind of soothed my heart even though I questioned the why since we weren’t the best of friends. I credited him for being the better person and how he cared about how I felt for you.

You see when you came back to Joburg from your home province a month after declaring your love for me you didn’t want to see me.  I was baffled because I thought we would pick up from where we left off. Then you left again, apparently for work and you didn’t say goodbye. I felt so alone and confused. I missed you. I yearned for you. I thought I would make it work if I became who you wanted me to be. Then you came back home during Easter holidays. I was happy to see you, wanted to spend time with you even for a little while. But you ignored me and embarrassed me countless times. I slipped into depression. Detached myself from friends and social media only to find later on that I lost an opportunity from my mentor to write for her publication. I was hurt because I loved you I managed to organise a meeting with your favourite band because I know you want to be in the entertainment industry. But you didn’t show up.

I begged you for your affection and for you to care, at least a bit. Little did you realise the heart you were breaking every day. I saw pride and evil in your eyes. I dated your name and not you. I bore all the hurtful things you said and did to me because I held on to the person you pretended to be at first. Remember how you deliberately sabotaged the ‘relationship’, how you said I would kill myself for you, how you wanted to use me sexually. Desperate, I would have given in. I would have allowed you to use my body as your breathing sex object because I know that’s how low you degrade women. Even my closest friends wanted to welcome you into our circle but they saw an ugly side of you and probably wondered why I held on to you. I always pushed them away but they stayed regardless. You, dear ex-brought us closer together. You made me feel guilty for dreaming big so much so that I stopped talking about my business aspirations when I was with you. Since I was your cheerleader I organised another interview for you, this time you came and the artist you met was even willing to take you under his wings but you refused to take his numbers from me. Your pride lost you the same opportunities you are now begging me to help you with. You made such a fool out of me countless times and like many idiots thought I would love you forever. I tolerated you hanging up on me and even ignoring me, but I didn’t want you to disrespect me more than you did by showing me the girls you cheated on me with. That day when you openly flashed her in front of me, I sunk to my knees, begging God to help me leave you because I knew you are not the one for me. Love is everything but it’s neither evil nor selfish. It doesn’t inflict pain nor does it make one depressed all the time. It’s been more than a year since I blocked you from my contacts and from my life…”

Believe me, I was tempted to send the message to him but I didn’t. It’s been fifteen months since the breakup and days are not the same. Honestly, I thought I had forgiven him but I’m always drained after seeing or talking to him. Unlike my exes, I see him often because we are from the same circle and it’s been hard. The journey towards healing hasn’t been easy. But I have faith that someday some how the pain will go away and maybe I will give love another chance. When? I swear I don’t know.

For the next few weeks, I will share with you how my journey towards healing has been. Catch my open diary next week Tuesday.

How have you found healing from a broken relationship?